My Super Sweet Sixteen (times two)

I would first of all like to thank everyone for the kind birthday wishes. You have all helped make my 32nd birthday very special. However, all of this talk of growing older has really gotten me thinking about my own immortality. (I did NOT say immorality.) Everyone dies eventually. It’s a fact. So why not prepare myself and my loved ones for this event by planning my own funeral ahead of time.

Here’s how I want it to go down. In the event that Kevin Costner goes before I do, I would like comedian Ralphie May to do my eulogy. Who am I kidding? Heart disease will take him any day. Let’s go with any current member of Jersey Shore: The New Class. I would like the subject matter to focus on the concept of mediocrity in several areas being superior to greatness in one or two areas. That is after all, my life’s theme. The eulogy should be devoid of any of the stupid things I’ve done in my life, specifically the time  I drove backward through a car wash because I thought you paid AFTERWARD, and the super slow head-on collision that almost occurred during that time.

I would like someone in the back of the room to be making balloon animals, while another person sketches caricatures of anyone seen crying. Cigars will be passed out, and anyone refusing to smoke will be asked to leave. Everyone smokes. End of story. Also, I would like for all of the chairs to be secretly fitted with whoopee cushions. This is really starting to sound like a fun party, is it not? I really hate to miss it.

Please don’t think I’m being morbid. I just find it imperative that people make their end of life wishes known ahead of time. I’m thirty-two now. I pretty much have one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel. When my time comes, my loved ones will be well equipped with the information they need to get that party started.

Clowns can really put the fun- in funeral.

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