Stupid Suburban Problems

Stupid Suburban Problems- Chapter 1, Shane’s BIG Problem

With today’s twenty-four hour news cycle it’s hard to escape the almost constant barrage of atrocities occurring around the globe. I, for one, have a hard time sweating the small stuff when people I know and people I don’t know are hurting- suffering from untreatable illnesses, the victims of mass kidnappings, genocide, and continued inequality. However, when things start to look a little too bleak there’s a place I can always turn to. It’s not as far away as you may think, either.

Not far outside of Nashville resides a quiet suburb community called Withering Lows. It only takes a quick peek at Withering Lows Facebook page to tell that this isn’t a community concerned with other people’s problems. No, they have bigger fish (of their own) to fry.

Today’s story takes us into a day in the life of a man I’ll call “Shane.” Shane is God-fearing man’s man who doesn’t believe in cussing. No sir.

However, Shane’s limits are about to be tested when he encounters something on his morning run through the wooded neighborhood trail. It’s a straw, and it just broke his camel’s back. Read for yourself, but keep in mind that his words are unedited. Personally, I envision his entire message being shouted, so I can only assume that the sections in ALL CAPS were written while simultaneously firing an assault rifle into the air.

Shane: “OK residents I think I have seen enough. While running this morning, I came across the remnants of a bonfire on the walking trail. GIVE ME A BREAK. Do I have to quit my job and sit in a lawn chair to watch the subdivision each day. The speeding, the profanity, the way we address issues. The Board is getting overwhelmed with this type of..sorry but CRAP. I know that I will be bombarded with comments soon, but this is getting old. We were voted one of the best subdivisions around and we act like this. If you see something, take the time to address it please and not wait till we have a “mob” of complaints.” Stupid Suburban Problems First of all, I just want to thank Shane for being so brave. He didn’t have to share this story, but for some reason he did.

After reading this last night I was overcome with worry. I didn’t fall asleep until after ten o’clock and when I did I had a nightmare. In this nightmare, no one heeded Shane’s warning and he DID QUIT HIS JOB and buy a lawn chair. It was awful. All over the neighborhood dinners were burning and children weren’t being picked up from soccer on time. I ran to the aid of a woman in distress and I don’t think I’ll ever get her screams out of my head. “Why don’t we have a neighborhood pool?” she kept crying. I urged her to be strong for her family and not to think like that, but she continued, “I know we were invited to join that other neighborhood’s pool, but it isn’t really OURS. Nothing is ours!”

I still have a lot of unanswered questions, like How does Shane quitting his job somehow a threat to anyone but him and his family? 

Oh, wait. It isn’t. Go for it, Shane.

This concludes today’s look into Stupid Suburban Problems. Stay safe out there.

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6 thoughts on “Stupid Suburban Problems

  • This is AWFUL! I can’t believe that this stuff goes on in the world and no one is reporting it. Where is the news? Why is everyone so obsessed with problems that are irrelevant to our actual lives, like minimum wage and a bunch of foreign kids being kidnapped by evil zealots, when right in our very own backyards people like Shane are suffering the indignity of bonfire remains on his morning jog?! I blame Obama.

    • Allison, you are exactly almost right. More specifically, I think it’s Obamacare. Last week Publix only had Nature’s Own whole wheat instead of whole grain that I’ve always bought in the past… #Obamacare. Plain and simple.

    • You’re so welcome, Ellen. I’ve been compared to journalist Christiane Amanpoure, but really I’m so much better and humble than she is. She hasn’t even been here to report on the pool situation.

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