Deez Nuts! Chipmunk Problems

One day last week I started up my car and to my surprise the stench of gasoline came shooting at me from seemingly everywhere. The lights on the dash were flashing and the car was shaking harder than a Tilt-A-Whirl at a county fair.

Upon turning off the ignition and popping the hood one thing was certain. Someone had been snacking under my hood and it wasn’t me.

*Fun fact: As kids, my older sister Heather and I used to eat acorns because we thought they were filled with cheese. We never found one with the right flavor, but it wasn’t for lack of trying.*

Awe Nuts!


Later that day, I was conversing with my friend at the liquor store about my chipmunk problem. (I get ALL my mechanic advice from the liquor store.)

“Oh hon,” he said. “We used to have a chipmunk problem, too.”

“How’d you get rid of it?”

“Easy, honey. You just need to get you a feral cat.”

“How do I go about getting a feral cat because I’ll be honest, the picture in my mind is frightening. I might just keep the chipmunks.”

“No, baby. You just need to find a feral cat. That’s really the hardest part about it. Make sure you have on pants and long sleeves. Then, you need to get some oven mitts and have somebody duct tape them to your sleeves so they don’t come off while you’re wrastling with the cat. Once you get it to your house he will most likely stay if you keep food out for him to eat. Just don’t ever let it inside. Trust me.”


Several days have passed and it seems nothing else has chewed through my new fuel line. I’ve used the time to toss around a few ideas that don’t involve feral cats. Here they are in no particular order.

1. Chupacabra

2. Anaconda

3. Sasquatch

4. Africanized bees

And if I’m being honest, I’d rather capture a rabid Sasquatch covered in Africanized bees while making out with a Chupacabra than try to capture a feral cat any day of the week.

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