Happy New Year!

I’m hoping all of you had a wonderful holiday season and spent time with those you love and those you  don’t really love, but have to see regardless. I know I did. Thank you all so much for the Christmas cards filled with cash. Wait, did your Christmas cards not come filled with cash? Sounds like you have crappy friends.

Here we are once again at the dawn of a new year. 2012 seems to have flown by in the blink of an eye. Let’s take a look back at a few of the things we learned.

  • Mayans were as good at making calendars as Honey Boo Boo is at speaking English. 
  • Football really does matter to some folks, as evidence by an Alabama fan sexually assaulting an LSU fan after the BCS championship game. #keepingitclassy
  • I actually do NOT have gorilla boobs. (That was a close one.) 
  • Seaweed IS a snack.
  • The mullet is alive and well all-over the United States. 
  • Buddy races are NOT meant for husbands and wives. 
  • Despite my efforts to raise awareness of the needless “self-ies” posted daily on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, they continue to happen. I will continue to spread the word in the hopes of reaching at least one person. 
  • Amish people take vacations. Albeit crappy vacations, but who knew?
  • A lady named Patricia Krentcil may or may not have put her ginger kid in a tanning bed. Even if she did, it’s probably the least bad decision she made all year. 
  • Disney World hates the Wescott’s and the feeling is mutual. 
  • I was named 2012 Trophy Wife of the year, catching me completely by surprise for the ninth year in a row. 
Whew! That was a busy year. I can’t wait to see what 2013 holds. Happy New Year! And remember, if you live in my neighborhood and you shoot off fireworks after 10:30 tonight, I’m calling the cops on your ass. Take care now. 

Gorilla Boobs

Last week was one of my best ever. I’m of course saying that with sarcasm and a raised middle finger. I had a GYN appointment AND a dentist appointment on the same day. The dentist referred me to an endodontist for a root canal after finding one, maybe two cavities. I’m not sure of the exact number because I blacked out when he said, “root canal.” My gynecologist found a lump in my breast and referred me to an imaging center for an ultrasound. Winning!

The following day I went for my ultrasound, but after it was done the radiologist added a mammogram. I went into full-on panic mode and began writing out my will on the back of a People magazine that was several years old. By the way, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston got a divorce. Is nothing sacred anymore? Anyway, after the mammogram they sent me on my way.

I called my doctor’s office the next day because I was anxious about the results. The receptionist put me on hold for a moment then came back and said it was normal. I was relieved to say the least as I headed out for my root canal. It wasn’t until I was sitting in the dental chair staring at all the sharp tools, one of which is the syringe-needle combo with scissor handles, and listening to someone else’s mouth being suctioned that I stopped to think, “If my lump was normal, then what was it?” I was shaken back to reality when the endodontist turned me upside down in that awful chair and shined a bright light in my face.

Blackout time.

All was forgotten about the mammogram until thirty minutes ago when the nurse at my GYN office called me. She was calling to make sure I didn’t have any questions- so thoughtful. “Actually Marsha, I do have a question. If the lump was normal, then what was it?”

“Well, let me look at the report here. Oh yes, here it is. It says that it is an enlarged, but normal lymph node which is really nothing to worry about. You can get those from just shaving.”(Long pause.) “Lori, are you still there?”

“Ummmmm yeah, but here’s the thing, Marsha. I don’t shave my boobs.”

I heard hysterical laughter on the other end of the line. When she came up for air she said, “It can be from just shaving your legs or under your arms.”

“Ohhhhh, I just didn’t want you guys thinking I have gorilla boobs that require shaving.”

Marsha was still laughing. “We saw them last week, Lori. No one thinks you have gorilla boobs,” she snickered.

“Well, if they do will you please correct them?”

“Yes, Lori. A lot of people are staring at me right now, so I will let them know that you do NOT have gorilla boobs.”

“Thanks, Marsha. Have a great day.”

And, there you have it. My breast lump was just a lymph node that had become enlarged from something besides shaving my boobs. Because I don’t need to. Shut up and call Marsha if you don’t believe me.