Gorilla Boobs

Last week was one of my best ever. I’m of course saying that with sarcasm and a raised middle finger. I had a GYN appointment AND a dentist appointment on the same day. The dentist referred me to an endodontist for a root canal after finding one, maybe two cavities. I’m not sure of the exact number because I blacked out when he said, “root canal.” My gynecologist found a lump in my breast and referred me to an imaging center for an ultrasound. Winning!

The following day I went for my ultrasound, but after it was done the radiologist added a mammogram. I went into full-on panic mode and began writing out my will on the back of a People magazine that was several years old. By the way, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston got a divorce. Is nothing sacred anymore? Anyway, after the mammogram they sent me on my way.

I called my doctor’s office the next day because I was anxious about the results. The receptionist put me on hold for a moment then came back and said it was normal. I was relieved to say the least as I headed out for my root canal. It wasn’t until I was sitting in the dental chair staring at all the sharp tools, one of which is the syringe-needle combo with scissor handles, and listening to someone else’s mouth being suctioned that I stopped to think, “If my lump was normal, then what was it?” I was shaken back to reality when the endodontist turned me upside down in that awful chair and shined a bright light in my face.

Blackout time.

All was forgotten about the mammogram until thirty minutes ago when the nurse at my GYN office called me. She was calling to make sure I didn’t have any questions- so thoughtful. “Actually Marsha, I do have a question. If the lump was normal, then what was it?”

“Well, let me look at the report here. Oh yes, here it is. It says that it is an enlarged, but normal lymph node which is really nothing to worry about. You can get those from just shaving.”(Long pause.) “Lori, are you still there?”

“Ummmmm yeah, but here’s the thing, Marsha. I don’t shave my boobs.”

I heard hysterical laughter on the other end of the line. When she came up for air she said, “It can be from just shaving your legs or under your arms.”

“Ohhhhh, I just didn’t want you guys thinking I have gorilla boobs that require shaving.”

Marsha was still laughing. “We saw them last week, Lori. No one thinks you have gorilla boobs,” she snickered.

“Well, if they do will you please correct them?”

“Yes, Lori. A lot of people are staring at me right now, so I will let them know that you do NOT have gorilla boobs.”

“Thanks, Marsha. Have a great day.”

And, there you have it. My breast lump was just a lymph node that had become enlarged from something besides shaving my boobs. Because I don’t need to. Shut up and call Marsha if you don’t believe me.