Happy New Year!

I’m hoping all of you had a wonderful holiday season and spent time with those you love and those you  don’t really love, but have to see regardless. I know I did. Thank you all so much for the Christmas cards filled with cash. Wait, did your Christmas cards not come filled with cash? Sounds like you have crappy friends.

Here we are once again at the dawn of a new year. 2012 seems to have flown by in the blink of an eye. Let’s take a look back at a few of the things we learned.

  • Mayans were as good at making calendars as Honey Boo Boo is at speaking English. 
  • Football really does matter to some folks, as evidence by an Alabama fan sexually assaulting an LSU fan after the BCS championship game. #keepingitclassy
  • I actually do NOT have gorilla boobs. (That was a close one.) 
  • Seaweed IS a snack.
  • The mullet is alive and well all-over the United States. 
  • Buddy races are NOT meant for husbands and wives. 
  • Despite my efforts to raise awareness of the needless “self-ies” posted daily on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, they continue to happen. I will continue to spread the word in the hopes of reaching at least one person. 
  • Amish people take vacations. Albeit crappy vacations, but who knew?
  • A lady named Patricia Krentcil may or may not have put her ginger kid in a tanning bed. Even if she did, it’s probably the least bad decision she made all year. 
  • Disney World hates the Wescott’s and the feeling is mutual. 
  • I was named 2012 Trophy Wife of the year, catching me completely by surprise for the ninth year in a row. 
Whew! That was a busy year. I can’t wait to see what 2013 holds. Happy New Year! And remember, if you live in my neighborhood and you shoot off fireworks after 10:30 tonight, I’m calling the cops on your ass. Take care now. 

New Year’s Disillusion

The presents have been opened, toys have been played with, new shoes have been worn, and the positive Christmas energy has been taken out to the curb along with the tree. Enter your worst enemy, the New Year’s resolution. For centuries we have celebrated the beginning of a new year by setting a goal for ourselves, and for centuries we have failed to meet that goal. There are a few people out there, who set a specific goal and achieve it, and those people are called assholes, but I digress.

F.M. Knowles said, “He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; He who makes one is a fool.” Setting a daunting and unrealistic goal will only serve as a reminder of what a loser you are. So, instead of resolving to lose fifty pounds and stop drinking in 2011, try setting an easily attainable, or vague goal. If you aspire to wake up before noon most of the time, work ~40 hours a week, or change your underwear daily, you will find a feeling of accomplishment when you achieve, and even surpass your goal. Before long you will be drunk, overweight, and unsuccessful, but with a confidence level usually reserved for the captain of the football team. My point is, if we strive for mediocrity, we can all be winners.

This year I resolved to accept the things I could not change, rite bettur, and stay foxy. I accomplished all three January 1st, 2010. Take that, world! But, what if I had failed? True, I wouldn’t have had that “king of the world” feeling for the remaining 364 ¼ days of the year, but I wouldn’t have let my failures define me or dictate whether I had a good 2010.

I’ve yet to determine my New Year’s resolution for 2011, but rest assured they will rival last year’s in quality and importance. Hopefully, I will achieve them by next December, but if I don’t, that’s ok too. My only plans are to be a little older, a little braver, a little happier, and still none the wiser.

Crappy Christmas

The joke was on me this year when I opened a beautifully wrapped package from a dear friend, only to discover THIS lying within. Despite my shock, I can always appreciate a good poop joke. This was definitely one of my favorite Christmas gifts. Here’s to wishing you and yours a crappy 2011!