Five Elevator Speeches Worse Than Yours

Elevator Speeches Worse Than Yours

Experts will tell you when trying to pitch a new business, invention, or book proposal that a great elevator speech is crucial. While most don’t require an ACTUAL elevator to get their point across successfully, my five-year-old son, Luke uses the literal eight square feet of space as a way to entrap strangers into awkward conversations of up-close and personal over-sharing.

Here are a few of our recent awkward elevator encounters.

The Getting To Know You… and you and you and you

As the elevator door closes, Luke positions himself in front before turning and addressing everyone.

Hi, I’m Lucas. L-U-C-A-S. This is my mom. She’s name is Lori, of Loripalooza. What’s your names and where do you blog?

The Short Motivational Speech

The elevator stops before we arrive on our floor. A stranger gets on and successfully pushes the button leading them to their floor of choice. Their hard work and determination won’t go unrecognized.

Nailed it! High five, bro!

The Urgent Secret He Needs To Share With Me That Isn’t In A Whisper

Mom, there’s a baby in here and you know I hate babies because they’re stinky and they poop in their diapers and they’re nasty because they crawl around on the floor like bugs, or snakes and they cry so loud, but I’m not going to be rude about it, okay.

Over Sharing With Strangers For No Reason At All

This incident happened recently on vacation and was especially well played by me because I sent Luke down to the pool with his aunt and uncle, sans me.

Hi, I’m Lucas. L-U-C-A-S. These are NOT my parents. This is my mom’s sister, Heather, but you can call her Heather James, and this is uncle Sidney- definitely NOT my father.

De-constructive Criticism Directed At Surly Strangers 

We were still on vacation when this little incident went down. Two gentlemen entered the elevator on the ground floor giving me pause that I was without my pepper-spray. My arms were piled high with take-out boxes because Luke had decided he couldn’t behave at the restaurant with Heather James (Side note- her name is not James. We don’t know why he calls her that) and Uncle Sidney. As the elevator doors close, Luke notices the two fellows on the elevator with us and bursts out laughing while slapping his knee.

You guys look ridickerous! Where are your shirts? I can see your nipples! (More laughing, but only from Luke) Mom, look at their nipples. Is that a tattoo on your neck? I hope it comes off. You can’t smoke in here! That’s uh-scusting!

I had no free hand with which to cover his mouth. At long last, the elevator doors opened and I shoved Luke out with my foot. A couple of the to-go boxes landed just outside the elevator and before the doors closed I was able to shout an apology.

I am SO sorry. I think your ink is great. I smoke all the time!

No, you don’t, Mom. I’m telling Dad you pushed me wif your foot.

Zip it!!!

In closing, if you really want to improve your child’s elevator speech, then try having them use the stairs for a couple of days. It works well, especially when you’re on the seventh floor.

How To Behave In Public: Lesson 1

I didn’t have to practice becoming awkward. It’s something I was born with. As I continue to learn and grow, I’d like to share my journey to normalcy so that other Awkwads may learn from my mistakes. I hope each person can take something from this lesson on how to behave in public and carry it awkwardly, perhaps in a fanny pack, throughout their awkward lives.

(Side note- only Awkwads can use the word, Awkwad. Those who aren’t awkward should refer to it as the A-word.)

I was in Target a couple of days ago when I thought I saw my friend Amber. She was at a distance when I first saw her profile, but then she turned and I could only see the back of her head. I’ve learned from past experiences NOT to run up and hug (or smack on the rear) people I think I know in public.

Walking a few feet closer was clearly out of the question. I didn’t have time for shenanigans. So I pretended to look at the little girl’s clothing while shouting, “Amber!” to see if she would hear her name and look around. After my fourth try, (yeah, I’m persistent) I heard one of the Target employees say, “We have a lost child.” I turned to see this employee standing behind me and speaking into her walky-talky. There was a sense of urgency in her voice as she asked, “Ma’am what does Amber look like? What is she wearing?”

I was frozen. Mortified. I could’ve just told her that I was too lazy to walk fifty feet and see if that was my friend, Amber BUT I didn’t. My gaze held steadfast on the sparkly, pink shirt I was gripping and my awkwardness came shining through.

I just shook my head as my weak voice uttered, “Never mind. Don’t need her.”

I’m pretty sure the Target employee stood there staring at me for awhile, but much like a turtle can withdraw into its shell when it senses danger, I am able to slip into a fugue state when I sense embarrassment. I have no idea what happened for the next couple of hours, but according to the items found later in my car I made several impulse purchases before leaving Target. Then, I went to Krispy Kreme.

Amber is so high maintenance.

How to behave in Public