Stupid Suburban Problems, Chapter 2
Welcome back to egocentric community of Withering Lows. A lot has happened since neighbor, Shane lost it a few weeks ago after finding litter on the running trail. I’m assuming he didn’t make good on his threat to quit his job and monitor the neighborhood for hooligans, but who knows.
Irene lives just a few houses down and found herself in the midst of her own conundrum just last week. She needed to defecate badly, but the cleaning ladies were still at her house. Naturally, she took to the Facebook HOA page to ask for advice on what to do. (Personally, I would’ve just Googled it, but different strokes for different folks, as they say.) There was a range of responses including “Go next door,” “Drive to the BP station,” and “If you have a privacy fence, then do it in the back yard.”
There was no official word on how it played out, but rumor has it that when Consuela opened the door to the butler’s pantry to dust the counters she found Irene squatted over a paper sack. Please pray for all of those involved.
The Facebook HOA page became another hot bed of controversy two nights ago when Jean got into it with a few of the other neighbors over premature Fourth of July fireworks.
Here is their conversation for your reading enjoyment.
Jean: To all of you who think it is ok to shoot fireworks tonight… a week ahead of the fourth… think again. My pup is traumatized without any warning. We were prepared for the actual fourth, but now it may be too late. Please be considerate.
Neighbor 2: Dogs get used to them at some point. Shoot ‘em off. And it’s TWO weeks before the fourth.
Sandy Vagina: Obviously, Neighbor 2 doesn’t have any compassion for animals.
Neighbor 2: Obviously, Sandy isn’t very patriotic. Maybe she hates America. PS: My dog loves fireworks.
Neighbor 4: My dog hates them, too.
Neighbor 5: Popcorn in hand. This is going to be good.
[Insert ten more comments for and against shooting off fireworks before the Fourth of July.]
Neighbor 16: You should be more considerate. It sounds like you’re asking Americans not to celebrate their independence.
Neighbor 17: Go Merica!
Me: My dog is afraid of fireworks AND thunder. While you all took care of the fireworks situation I fired off an angry email to God about that thunder. He has yet to respond. Whew! It takes a village.
In unrelated news, last week Boko Haram was suspected of kidnapping another 90 women and children in Nigeria, mystery still surrounds the missing Malaysian flight, and the U.S. traded five high-ranking Taliban terrorists for one American POW. However, in what turned out to be the biggest news story of all, one of the Duggar kids of the TLC show Eleventy-Thousand Kids And Counting got married, had her first kiss, and found out that THAT isn’t how babies are made.
Once this whole fireworks debacle gets worked out, I’m sure these new stories will find their way through Withering Lows iron gates just as swiftly as the New Kids On The Block- Greatest Hits album sweeps through Russia.